


All that you are (is all that I’ll ever need)

by justhockey



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Tyler is ace, brief mentions of evil Marchand, they’re both soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 13:56:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19274704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: He’ll keep Jamie close for as long as he wants Tyler, because. Well. Let’s face it. Eventually he’s gonna find someone better than Tyler, and like. He knows that, okay? So there’s no need to bring it up until happens.





	All that you are (is all that I’ll ever need)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Tenerife Sea_ by Ed Sheeran. 
> 
> Possible trigger warnings at the end.

It’s unreal, when Tyler thinks about it, that he’s only been in Dallas for a season and a half. Three seasons in Boston and he never once felt as welcome as he did from the second he arrived at the Stars training camp. The Bruins barely even felt like his team, but the Stars? They feel like Tyler’s family. Like more, almost. It all seemed too good to be true, like Tyler couldn’t possibly get any luckier. 

Except he did. 

Because, sure, it’s new. Like, _really_ new. But he’s dating Jamie. Yeah. Actually fucking _dating_ Jamie Benn. 

It was the last thing Tyler had been expecting (even though he’d been thinking it about it since the first time he met Jamie) when Jamie showed up at his apartment a few short months ago, pushed his way inside, and attached his lips to Tyler’s. He was honestly so in shock he kind of forgot to kiss back for a while. But then Jamie pulled back with a look of horror on his face and began to stumble over his words as he tried to apologise. The pink glow that spread across his cheeks and down his neck was enough to spur Tyler into action, and he practically launched himself at Jamie. 

Things had been going great ever since. 

And honestly, it’s beyond even Tyler’s wildest dreams, because he’s just not the kind of person Jamie should be dating. Jamie should be with someone incredible, someone as wonderful and gentle and perfect as he is. And that’s definitely not Tyler. In fact, he doesn’t even come close to being good enough for Jamie. 

But who’s he to look a gift horse in the mouth?

He’ll keep Jamie close for as long as he wants Tyler, because. Well. Let’s face it. Eventually he’s gonna find someone better than Tyler, and like. He knows that, okay? So there’s no need to bring it up until happens. 

*

It’s date night. 

Jamie had cooked them a gorgeous (nutritionist-approved) meal, and they’re currently lay out on the couch. Their legs are so tangled together it’s hard to see where one ends and the other begins, and Tyler couldn’t wish for anything more. 

They’re making out lazily, Tyler half lying on Jamie, one arm propping him up and the other tangled in Jamie’s hair. Jamie has a tight grip on Tyler’s waist, but his other hand is cupping Tyler’s jaw so gently. The juxtaposition is delightful and Tyler feels like he’s in heaven. 

Then slowly, slowly, Jamie’s hand moves from his jaw, over his shoulder and down his arm. And then he’s reaching for the button on Tyler’s jeans and his breath catches in his throat. He doesn’t freeze like the first time Jamie kissed him, instead he moves with lightening speed. He pulls back, then laughs playfully when he sees the look on Jamie’s face. Disappointment. Something Tyler is _exceedingly_ familiar with. 

“Sorry,” Tyler mumbles. 

“You don’t have to apologise,” Jamie replies instantly, smiling softly. 

“I just. I don’t wanna rush this. You’re too important to me,” Tyler says. 

It’s half of the truth, at least. 

“I get it Ty, you don’t have to explain,” Jamie presses a quick kiss to Tyler’s lips, then “I should be getting home anyway.”

Tyler feels his heart rate quicken, the worry set in. He wants to stop Jamie from standing up and leaving, wants to explain, but he doesn’t. Can’t. Just watches as Jamie pulls on his shoes and jacket. 

“I’ll see you at practice,” Jamie says, leaning down to kiss Tyler again. 

It’s gentle. Sweet. And they almost get carried away, but Jamie pulls back with a groan and then a laugh. The look in his eyes is so fond that it settles Tyler’s nerves a little. 

He presses a final kiss to the top of Tyler’s head and then leaves, waving goodbye as he closes the door to Tyler’s apartment. 

He tries to stay calm. 

Jamie seemed okay with stopping, he kissed him goodbye after all. But Tyler knows. Knows that once Jamie finds out the truth everything will change, and he’s terrified of Jamie walking away from him. He’d spent so long wanting Jamie, but had never really thought of it as a genuine possibility, so he’d never needed to consider well, _everything_. But now. Now he’s had Jamie to himself, which means losing him is going to hurt that much more. 

Because Tyler is asexual. 

And yeah, he knows it’s almost laughable. He’s seen all the pictures and the tweets and the articles about him. Hell, most of them are true. Because he _did_ sleep around in Boston. With girls first, because he’d refused to believe he wasn’t straight. And then with guys once he’d finally, _finally_ accepted that he was gay. But it just never felt right. He figured the more he did it, the better it would get. But it didn’t. 

And then Marchy. Who’d found his Grindr profile open on his phone when they were hanging out one night after a win at home. And fuck, had he been terrified. Had tried to come up with an excuse, something, _anything_ to explain it away. Except Brad hadn’t laughed, hadn’t insulted him or tried to swing at him. No. He’d ran the pad of this thumb along Tyler’s bottom lip, agonisingly slowly, before kissing him. 

He couldn’t believe it at the time, that Brad fucking Marchand was queer. But then they became a thing. And Tyler had never been the kind to be reserved with his heart, so he’d fallen hard and fast, and things were, _shit_ , they were the best they’d been since they’d won the cup. 

But Tyler should have known his luck would run out eventually. 

He’d hoped beyond belief that it would be different with Marchy, that he would want him the way he was supposed to. But he just didn’t, _couldn’t_. So Tyler told him. They’d been making out and Marchy had reached for his belt. Tyler had frozen for a second, then scrambled to get out from under Marchy. He explained. That he didn’t want sex, that he didn’t like it. And Marchy had just been so _good_ to him that Tyler had been foolish enough to believe it would extend to this. 

It didn’t. 

At first he laughed, like Tyler couldn’t possibly be serious, then made another grab for his belt buckle. When Tyler had stopped him a second time, insisting that he was being serious, it wasn’t a joke, well. He stopped laughing pretty quick. He’d jumped away from Tyler like he was infectious, sneered at him, called him _broken_ as he walked out. 

Tyler was traded just a few months later. 

So he knows how this goes. What happens when people find out that you’re never gonna want to fuck them. And he trusts Jamie, he _does_. But he’d trusted Brad too, so he has no idea what to expect. No idea how Jamie will react. Which is why he wants to keep quiet about it for as long as he can. 

He wants to hold onto Jamie for a little bit longer. 

*

It’s crazy how happy Tyler is here in Dallas, but it’s even crazier how happy he is with Jamie. Like, it doesn’t matter what they’re doing together, if they’re at practice, or in the gym, or at a bar, or hanging out at home. Wherever they are, whatever they’re doing, just being around Jamie makes Tyler feel lighter than ever, happier than he knows what to do with. 

Which, to be honest, is scary as _fuck._

Because he can feel Jamie slowly slipping away from him. Every time they’re making out and Tyler pulls away before it can go any further, every time Jamie asks Tyler to spend the night and he makes some excuse to go back to his own apartment just four floors away. _Every time_ he feels the distance between them growing wider. 

And he knows he owes Jamie an explanation, it’s not his fault and he deserves to know what Tyler’s deal is. But he’s just too scared. What happened with Brad was two years ago but Tyler is still scarred from it. He hadn’t even _considered_ a relationship up until Jamie kissed him - the thought of being rejected again like Marchy had rejected him, it was too much. 

Telling Jamie the truth would ruin everything that they were starting to build together and Jamie would leave him. But it also feels like he’s losing Jamie by _not_ telling him. He’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

It’s a night like any other. They’d just got a 4-0 shutout against the Senators and they’re stretched out on the couch together, grasping desperately at each other as they kiss. Tyler adores the way Jamie feels on top of him, loves running his hands across his broad shoulders, but when he feels Jamie’s hips grind against him he stills. 

Jamie stops instantly. Tyler is half relieved, half terrified when Jamie pulls away and stands up. Tyler’s heart falls at the look on his face, a look of hurt and disappointment. He can’t stand it, hates that Jamie could ever look like that, that Tyler could be the cause of it. 

So he reaches his hands and tries to tug Jamie back down. 

He’d rather have sex than lose Jamie, no matter how uncomfortable it makes him. 

But Jamie isn’t having any of it, and he places his hands on top of Tyler’s to pry them off his shirt. 

“Tyler, stop,” Jamie says, sounding tired. 

“No, please, I want to,” Tyler almost begs, feeling the panic climbing up his throat. 

He stands up and presses the length of his body against Jamie’s, presses kisses into the soft skin along Jamie’s collar bone and reaches for his crotch. 

He feels his cheeks burn with humiliation when Jamie stops him and steps back. 

“Tyler stop, you don’t want this.”

And he’s right, god, _of course_ he’s right. Tyler would rather do almost anything than have sex right now, but it’s the only way he can think of to keep Jamie, to stop him from leaving. 

“I do, I want you,” Tyler disagrees, trying to step closer once again. 

“You don’t need to lie to me,” Jamie tells him, his big, brown eyes looking so, so sad. 

And for a second Tyler thinks he knows. Thinks Jamie has figured out that Tyler is broken. 

Until. 

“I’m in love with you, but you clearly don’t feel the same,” Jamie mutters, looking embarrassed as he tries to slip his shoes back on. 

Tyler’s brain, like, short circuits for a second, because how could Jamie _ever_ think that? Tyler has been disgustingly obvious about how gone he is for Jamie since the beginning. 

“What?” He manages to choke out. 

Jamie is standing, nervously playing with his keys and refusing to meet his eyes. Tyler’s heart fucking _hurts_. 

“Like, I get it? I know you used to hook up a lot, and I know I’m not as, y’know, _attractive_ as other guys you’ve been with-“

“Hold the fuck up,” Tyler interrupts, “Jamie what the fuck are you talking about?”

Because no. There’s no way Jamie could really think that, what? That Tyler isn’t _attracted_ to him? Has he never _seen_ the way Tyler gazes at him like he’s the fucking moon and stars?

Jamie rolls his eyes and rocks backwards and forwards a little. 

“You don’t wanna, you know, have sex with me. Because of how I look. It’s okay, Ty, honestly. This was fun while we had it, yeah?” Jamie’s voice cracks and he looks down at the floor again. 

Tyler’s in shock, or something. Because he just stands there for a good ten seconds, not saying a single word. Which, like. Probably isn’t _helping_ the situation. But he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t believe Jamie could ever think that when he’s the most beautiful man Tyler has ever seen, but he also doesn’t know how to fix it. 

“Jamie, Jamie, that isn’t true,” Tyler whispers, reaching a hand out and taking hold of Jamie’s wrist. 

“I’m gonna leave now,” Jamie says. 

And that’s when Tyler truly starts to panic. 

Tyler thought he’d been in real love before. He’s had the butterflies and the racing heart and the nervousness - he’s always thought that’s what love was supposed to feel like. But it’s different with Jamie. His heart doesn’t race, he doesn’t feel even a shred of nerves. His mind is quiet, steady, when he’s with Jamie. And that’s when he realises, it had never been true. Not until Jamie. Jamie who keeps his feet on the ground, who keeps him calm, who he never has to be anyone but himself around. He’d loved Brownie back when they were kids, and maybe even Brad too, but he was _in love_ with Jamie. That was the difference. 

And that was what made things so scary. 

“I don’t want to have sex with you,” Tyler blurts out. 

Because of course he does. 

Jamie flinches and tries to walk around Tyler to the exit, but Tyler steps in front of him. 

“Please, just. Just listen, okay?” Tyler pleads, and the crack in his voice and the tears in his eyes make Jamie pause. 

He takes a seat on the couch and Tyler lets out a sigh of relief, because at least Jamie is willing to hear him out, even if he is going to walk away once he knows the truth. So he sits down beside him and takes a deep breath. 

“I _don’t_ want to have to sex, but it’s _not_ because of you,” Tyler begins, “I’m, I’m asexual. Which means, well. It means different things for different people, but. For me, I just. Sex just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy it, like, at all.”

He pauses to look at Jamie, but he can’t read his stoic expression so he just keeps going. 

“But that does _not_ mean I don’t find you attractive, okay? You’re fucking gorgeous Jamie, like, you have no idea how beautiful you are. And I’m so sorry I made you think like that.”

When Tyler is done he’s too scared to risk a glance at Jamie. He knows what comes next. He knows at best he’s gonna walk out and not look back. 

“That’s it?” Jamie asks, turning to look at Tyler. 

And that’s honestly not a response Tyler had prepared for. 

“Uh, yes?” He replies, confused about what direction this is heading in. 

“Tyler look at me,” Jamie says, and his voice is so warm that Tyler couldn’t ignore him if he wanted to. 

Jamie is smiling. Not the sneer that Marchy had given him, but a genuine, kind smile. And Tyler doesn’t know what to do with that, doesn’t know if he can let himself trust it. 

“I love you,” Jamie says, and Tyler lets an embarrassing whimper. 

“Jamie, I don’t think you understand-“

“I understand,” Jamie says. 

“No, I’m _never_ going to want to,” Tyler says. 

He’s crying now. Because Jamie isn’t getting it, and he’s giving Tyler false hope, and he feels like he’s starting to suffocate. A broken sob makes its way out of him and he jumps up from the couch before Jamie has the time to comfort him. 

“Tyler, Tyler baby,” Jamie says, following him anyway. 

“Please stop,” Tyler begs. 

He can’t. He _can’t_ hear Jamie say those things when he doesn’t understand what Tyler is talking about. 

“Baby please,” Jamie says, “I know what you’re saying, okay? I hear you, and now I need you to hear me: I love you. This doesn’t change anything. I don’t need sex, I _do_ need you.”

Tyler finally looks at Jamie. There are unshed tears pooling in his eyes but he looks sincere, and Tyler can’t quite believe it. 

“I saw the look on your face whenever I stopped you,” he whispers, like he’s unable to just accept that Jamie wants him. 

Jamie sighs and moves towards Tyler slowly. He’s wearing a soft smile that curves at the corners of his mouth, and he places his hands on either side of Tyler’s face, tilting his head up ever so slightly. 

“I thought you didn’t want me, but you do, right?”

Tyler nods his head with Jamie’s hands still holding it gently, and can’t help but smile a little. 

“I love you,” he whispers. 

“And I love you,” Jamie promises, “that’s the only thing that matters to me.”

And any doubt that was left in Tyler’s mind disappears the second Jamie’s lips touch his own, in a kiss unlike they’ve ever shared before. Because this time there’s nothing between them, now Jamie knows and he still wants Tyler. It’s steals Tyler’s breath and brings a fresh wave of tears to his eyes. 

*

Hours later they’re curled together in Tyler’s bed, Tyler’s head resting on Jamie’s shoulder as he traces patterns on his bare chest. 

They haven’t said all that much, but they haven’t needed to. They just hold each other close and enjoy being so intimate with each other. 

“Ty?” Jamie whispers into the quiet. 

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Tyler replies, tries to hide the edge of panic from his voice. 

He trusts Jamie, but he’s still a little scared. There’s so much they still need to discuss, and he knows that Jamie could change his mind at any time. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

And that might be the most difficult thing to explain to Jamie. Because Tyler knows him too well, knows that if there’s one thing Jamie hates, it’s people hurting those that he loves. (And he already hates the Bruins as it is). 

“I told someone once, it didn’t go well,” Tyler explains vaguely, and he feels Jamie tense beneath him. 

“Back in Boston?” Jamie correctly guesses. 

Tyler just nods, not trusting his voice enough to speak. He’d like to keep the identity of _who_ a secret if he can.

“Are they still on the team?” Jamie asks after a minute or two. 

His voice is steady, in a vast contrast to how Tyler is feeling. He sits up immediately, confused as to how Jamie even knew it was someone on the Bruins. 

“How did you-“

“You don’t want to tell me, so I obviously know who they are,” Jamie says, and he’s smiling sadly. 

Tyler nods in agreement, knowing that it will be pretty easy for Jamie to figure it out from there. 

“Marchand.”

Jamie doesn’t even ask, just states his name like he’s certain of it. He’s not wrong, obviously. Tyler doesn’t even need to confirm it, he just sees the way Jamie’s face hardens and quickly lies back down beside him to try and keep him calm. He peppers kisses across his sternum and laces their fingers together, almost preening at the feel of Jamie’s hand beginning to brush through his hair. 

“What did he do?”

“He laughed at me. Called me broken, then left. That’s why I started drinking so much, why I got traded,” Tyler says, admitting it out loud for the first time. 

Jamie’s arm around his waist tightens and he pulls Tyler closer, presses a careful kiss to both of his cheeks, then his forehead, his nose, and finally his lips. 

“There is _nothing_ wrong with you,” Jamie murmurs, his lips still hovering above Tyler’s, “you’re perfect.”

If Tyler is good enough to be loved by Jamie, then he’s starting to believe that could be true.

**Author's Note:**

> An asexual character is referred to as broken by a past partner.   
> An asexual character tries to have sex even though he doesn’t want to, but it doesn’t happen.


End file.
